JustStephen

Just Stephen

Month: October, 2013

Life

Tuesday, October 29, 2013 10:50pm

I was going to post tonight on a completely different topic, however a conversation that I had changed my mind on that. It made me somewhat reconsider what I’m doing with life, how I’m wasting so much time, which I’m always thinking about but never doing as much as I should about.

There are so many different things I’d like to do in this life, however my health prevents me from doing near as much as I’d like. Due to my stomach issues, I’m unable to do too much a few days a week, plus back issues prevent anything very physical.

If it wasn’t for these issues (which I sometimes use as an excuse more than I should) I would do different things. I’d love to work a full time job and actually have a steady earned income coming in. I’d love to join the peace corps and get to travel the world. I’d enjoy going on mission trips and actually help people. I wish I could find more opportunities around here where I could actually find some sort of tangible way to spend time to help people in need, however transportation is also an issue as well.

Someone said that they wish they had the freedom that I do and the time I do. I don’t wish it on anyone if it comes with the pain and health issues that I have. If it wasn’t for those, I’d have little to no free time either as I’d be busy actually living life rather than doing less physically demanding things like sitting at home reading books (mostly fiction), browsing the internet and other pretty lame stuff, when you think about it.

I don’t want to get to the end of my life and have nothing to tell for it, but the longer I live and the less that I end up doing, the more it looks that it may be that way. That’s honestly one of my fears, living life and having nothing to show for it. Wasting it and not benefiting anyone else in any real way. I care about other people too much to just sit around and do nothing, however I need to figure out where I could be of help as well. I reminds me of the following song, I don’t know if it’ll link or not.

I enjoy the lyrics of songs more than I enjoy the music most of the time. This song is pretty deep if you actually read the lyrics. I’ll break down a few..

Of all who’s who and so-n-so’s that used to be the best. (Every celebrity out there that thinks they’re all that, or when we present ourselves as more or better than we are or think we’re better than someone else, we’re just fooling ourselves. We’re just humans. Even if we’re on the top now, our fifteen minutes of fame will end and sooner or later, someone else will take our place. What really matters is what we do with it.)


But in the end I’d like to hang my hat on more besides
The temporary trappings of this world. (The world being temporary is sometimes the only thing that gets me thought. That there’s an infinitely better place.. A light at the end of the tunnel as Third Day would put it.)

I could go in more depth with different lyrics from this song, but it really gives you a reality check and that you need to focus your life on things that are greater than the temporary.

Going back to where I was at before I got distracted by one of the many random songs happily floating around in my head…

I suppose that one of my main issues is just motivation. I don’t expect good things to happen. I don’t expect anything new to happen. I am always too pessimistic and therefore I’m not able to fully enjoy life.

I’m making it a point on this blog that after I type something, I can’t edit it. It stays the way that it is, unless it’s a typo or something, I won’t edit it. If I do think about what I’m going to post twice, I’ll find myself going back and changing it or perhaps not even writing it at all.

On another note, Thursday is Halloween.

I am not going to overly dress up. I should’ve bought a costume in the spring or summer when they were insanely discounted online, however I didn’t have the foresight to do so. I have two little masks I can pick from, either a devil or an alien. They’re both cheap little things, one I bought at WalMart, the other at Dollar Tree.

It’s insanely hard to find any mask that will accommodate glasses. They seriously need to do something about that as vision issues are getting more and more common these days. Sure, those with contacts don’t have to worry about it as much, however I don’t know if I’d be able to put them in and out of my eyes all of the time. Plus they’re much more expensive than eyeglasses, which I’ve worn my entire life just about.

Now I’m really going off on tangents as I tend to do, so I’m going to end this post.

Stephen

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Randomity

Sunday, Oct 27, 2013 10:40pm

I honestly don’t have a whole lot to post for today. I know that I didn’t post anything much yesterday either, however it was a fairly busy day and I didn’t really have the opportunity to sit down and wrack my mind for something to post.

The Greyhound trip from Columbia yesterday was rather gross – the bus smelled like shellfish and the odor emanating from the restroom was nothing less than disgusting. I kept on scooting myself and my carry on bag closer and closer to the front of the bus as opportunity presented itself, however it didn’t really help much. I’m glad it was only a 4 and a half hour ride. I’m also glad that Greyhound stops frequently as I need to stretch every once in a while as I can’t sit down for too long at one time without getting a humungous back ache.

I didn’t make it to church this morning. I woke up in time but I just couldn’t get myself out of bed. I just wasn’t motivated at all. I kept on telling myself that I should get out of bed and go, however I wasn’t able to make myself. I suppose it was because I wasn’t expecting anything to happen during church and I wasn’t expecting any growth from it, which is a mistake really. I need to get up and go even if I don’t have high expectations as you never know when you might learn something or when an opportunity might rear its head.

As for the rest of the week, I have a dentist appointment tomorrow and an appointment with a surgeon Wednesday. I hoping that he’ll schedule a few diagnostic tests just to see what’s going on – perhaps they’ll find something. I hope so, but who knows.

Thursday is Halloween. I do not know if I will be doing anything for it or not, last year I went with a group and walked around, however I may not do the same this year, I don’t know. I’ve purchased a simple alien mask – it’s very difficult to find any sort of mask or costume that is accommodating to those that wear glasses, which is a shame. I’m not huge for Halloween though, if anything, I enjoy the discount candy that comes afterwards. I seriously need to start eating healthier, however that is easier said than done. I also have an allergist appointment on the 7th, so perhaps I’ll get a better overall view of what I’m allergic to or not.

I think I’ve rambled on enough for tonight. I hope that everyone is doing well. I don’t have any interesting photos or anything much tonight. I suppose I could post some Walking Dead photo that I took with some app on my phone.

 

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Columbia Day 3

Oct 25 2013, 10:58am

Today is my last full day in Columbia. I leave tomorrow morning on a Greyhound back to Savannah. One day when I have my own vehicle I’ll come here myself to explore and to perhaps see a few of the state parks that are around here. There are so many geocaches in Columbia and surrounding areas that it’s not funny, however it’s impossible for me to access most of them from the relatively remote area where I’m staying at this week.

It’s been a pretty good experience. I’m trying to get over my medicine that I took last night now, hoping it will work for I might possibly feel like doing something other than rest or lie in the bed today, however the medicine is largely unpredictable. Had some pretty bad chest, arm and leg pains yesterday that seem to have subsided for the most part, minus my left arm is very numb, which is odd considering it’s usually the other.

This post is going to be very boring, as I have very little to update since last nights post as I have done nothing else, really.

Feel free to read my other blog posts if you haven’t and I’ll probably post again sometime tonight, if not definitely sometime tomorrow.

Stephen

Columbia day 2

Oct 24 2013, 7:56pm

Today went pretty well. Went to the zoo for an hour and a half. It closed early today, little to our knowledge.

I doubt I’ll ever go back to riverbanks zoo, as all of the animals seemed depressed or sick. The happiest animal I saw was a squirrel wandering free.

Here’s a few random photos from the prison for animals, err, zoo. As well as a random super lovey and affectionate cat.

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Columbia, day 1

Oct 23 2013, 9:08pm

My first day in Columbia has been fairly interesting. Walked around downtown for an hour or so then went to near a canal and walked down that trail a bit. I took a few photos which I’ll post at the end of this post.

Went to church with my aunt. It was interesting. It was a nazarene church. Being in the Bible study showed me that I am still biased at times from past experiences at different denomination churches.

It also showed me that many still like to skirt around controversial issues in the Bible without fully going through them. They attempted to go through one, however not throughly or leaving it with a satisfactory conclusion in my opinion.

I had a good but I could’ve added, but per usual I didn’t want to interrupt or aggravate anyone with my other theories or possibilities with different references.

Time for a few photos.

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Our electronics obsession

10/22/2013 11:17pm (finished)

Well, I wasn’t planning on writing another post tonight, however I came upon an idea for one..

Just as soon as we left from Statesboro to go the rest of the way to Columbia, my smartphone died on me. It won’t get past the flashing Samsung screen as it keeps on restarting. I know that I could probably do a master reset, but then I’d lose everything, all of my photos, all of my contacts that aren’t stored on my SIM card and I’d have to reinstall all of my applications as well.

really, really don’t want to do that, so I’ll go to a T-Mobile store tomorrow, but I’m sure they’ll recommend the same thing as most of the employee’s at those stores don’t know any more than the typical smart phone user, some know even less.

I also can’t check my Gmail account while I am in Columbia unless I can get a password to authorize this computer to be able to, as I can’t check it on my phone as I generally do

Getting back to the point of this post, it’s funny how much we rely on technology these days. I’ve found myself wanting to play games and check my email and different websites myself since my smartphone died. I reach into my pocket and remember that it’s not working right now. I think about finishing that book, where I was at 92% before my phone died on me. I can’t do it as the phone isn’t working.

Do I need to read that book? No. Do I need to check my email? No. The several hundred spam emails I get every day can wait. There’s probably not a single useful one among them all, just random companies that I have signed up to email address lists or entered contests with years ago or random spammers that have acquired my email address through other means sending tons of pretty useless emails.

I know that technology is pretty much required for some, especially when it comes to college. It’s definitely convenient – we can search and know just about anything that we want to know in a few seconds. Instant gratification. We don’t have to go to a library and search through books until we find the correct one to find the information we need to know like they did back in the day.

I remember having to do that myself when I was younger going to Elementary school, but then shortly thereafter Windows 95 came out about we got our first ‘real’ computer and all of this changed drastically.

I sometimes wish that I could go to some remote location where technology isn’t needed, like one of those remote camps in the Arizona desert or wherever it is, that is in a communal setting where everyone contributes equally, working as a community where every person has their own purpose to fulfill and not have to worry about technology. Not have to worry about making phone calls as my friends would be right next door. Not have to hear about whatever “celebrity” got divorced six days after they get married. Not have to worry about credit cards or money as everything we need is farmed.

However, this is pretty much impossible to do these days especially since Uncle Sam demands his share of everything we possess.

I could see technology going so much further than it has already. I personally believe that it is getting too advanced – we don’t need to be creating artificial hearts and lungs from stem cells. That’s pretty close to pretending that we’re God. It would make too many people believe that there’s not a creator, if we, as humans were able to create organs ourselves out of stem cells and other genetic materials.

I can see in the not too distance future brain implants, where the information in the web is accessible with only a thought. I can see people sitting in cubicles their whole lives, connected to the internet that they consume for all of their life, only occasionally having to leave them to fulfill basic human needs, which might even be done for us – virtually interacting with others doing the same thing. It could be so advanced that every touch and smell seems real, but you’re just sitting in a chair and doing whatever you desire in a virtual reality world that you can control. It would be so addictive to many that some may not have even interacted with another human being in 20 years.

I’m hoping it won’t ever get that far, but I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in the future. I hope that Christ comes before then, as in a world that you can control that has no real consequences.

This has really strayed significantly from my original post, so I’m going to end soon. I’m considering going on a technology break for a while. I don’t really need to check my email every day. I know how much I have in my bank account. I don’t need to sit on the computer for hours every day watching movies and TV shows that don’t benefit me or anyone else an ounce in the long run, except for advertisers and the creators of said shows. I don’t need to post a blog here every night, although it seems that I feel better when I do, at least mentally, even though I doubt many people actually read my random posts here. I also don’t need to check Facebook every day.

The world would be much more personal if instead of checking Facebook to see how someone is doing, we visited them if it was practical. Instead of sending them an email or sending them a Facebook message, we would give them a call. It’s not face to face, but it’s more personal than a text or a message. We’re just stuck in the convenience of the internet. I wonder how the world would cope if the internet were to suddenly go down.

Not very well, I know, due to the stock exchange and air traffic control, ATMS, banks, businesses and so many other things depend entirely on the Internet working. It sometimes scares me that we’ve built our lives and have entrusted our livelihoods on something that could possibly be taken away someday. A huge solar flare could arrive suddenly and fry all electronics, besides stuff that was severely hardened and prepared for such an occasion… Okay, now I’m really ranting.

I’ll see what they say about my “smart” phone in the morning, but I’m seriously debating not using a computer or my cellphone nearly as much. Perhaps it’d be better for me to downgrade to a flip phone. The plan would be half the price.

There would be less temptation to waste time on it. Sure, it wouldn’t do nearly as much, but it’d allow you to call and text, which is all I’d really need, even though being able to use Google, have a GPS map and other features are nice.

I’m seriously going to sleep  now, if anyone actually took the time to read through this rambling. I don’t think I really kept on one track in my mind tonight, as it’s running at full force, but I did the best I could considering the circumstances.

My prayer today for myself would be that the surgeon that I am scheduled to see next week would be able to find something out about my gastrointestinal health issues and that I would be able to simply clear my mind of junk that doesn’t need to be there and find clarity, which is something that I don’t have near as often as I would like.

Just Stephen

Another night

Oct 22, 2013 -12:45AM

I’ve been debating tonight what to post tonight. I honestly haven’t a clue. I guess I’ll be boring and post about my day.

Went to the doctor this morning. I found out the only gastro doctor I could see was in Augusta as none here take my insurance. That rules that doctor out. I have an allergist appointment early November which at least might confirm some of the foods I’m allergic to.

It’s been pretty painful. Woke up having severe underarm pain and right arm weakness which progressed to severe arm pain. That turned into chest and back pain. It’s slightly better right now.

I’m hoping that I’ll be able to get some rest tonight as I’m going to Columbia tomorrow.

I honestly have little motivation to write anything tonight. Even though I doubt many people read my ramblings, I’ll try to keep posting.

I suppose my prayer for tonight for myself is understanding. Yes, I have a lot of health issues, they’re just temporary when you think about it. I just need clarity and clearness of thought.

I hope that everyone has a great night.

(written on a mobile device)

Grace

Sunday, October 20, 2013 4:30pm

Today’s service at church was about God’s grace. It’s something that I know I won’t fully comprehend on this earth and something I honestly at times have difficulty accepting.

My main personality issues are trusting people and gear of judgment, which I figure makes trusting God all that more difficult for me.

Here’s the cliffnotes on today’s sermon:

1) Grace: God doesn’t hold past against us. He doesn’t hold grudges.

2) Grace: God fights our battles for us.

3) Grace: God delights to answer his children’s prayers.

4) Grace: God takes bad things or our mistakes and turns them to good.

All of these are hard or impossible for our human brains to comprehend. That the God that created the universe is able, through the sacrifice of his sin, to forgive us of practically sporting in his face and telling him that we know better than he does by not obeying his word and sinning on a daily basis.

It boggles my mind. It’s just something that I need to work on fully accepting as the truth, as I’ve definitely best myself up too many times due to sin. Far too many times.

If I could fully do this, I wouldn’t have this constant guilt hanging over me from the sins of the past.

It’s precisely what Satan wants. I know I’m much less productive in my walk and in general when guilt is beating down on me like a freight train.

I suppose my prayer today is that we all would be able to more fully comprehend and accept his grace, for when we do that, I believe he will start on greater works within us than we have ever imagined.

I had planned on a longer post than this today, but it will have to be sufficient.

(written on mobile device)

Dreams and pralines

Well, I had no idea what to write about tonight. Today was pretty uninteresting. Went to the flea market briefly, didn’t find too much so went home.

Onto the topic of this post, dreams.

It’s amazing what the mind can conjure up when you’re sleeping. I’ve had hundreds of dreams in the past, some I remember better than others. In some I’m running, in some it seems like I have the ability to choose what will happen. I am also able to feel pain in dreams quite often, which isn’t pleasant to say the least.

I’d guess that most of my dreams have been influenced by all of the media I’ve consumed. All of the books I’ve read, all of the movies I’ve watched. I’m certain that some vary depending on the mood I am in before I go to sleep. I’ll post three of my more weird ones that I’ve written down in the past. These three go back to 2010, quite a while ago. I’ll save the creepiest one for last. I didn’t record these very adequately or in-depth.

—— DREAM 1 ——

Pretty much we were in a large house or hotel, some sort of alien creatures, almost robotic were killing most everyone. They were smart, and some would stay in the closets or other places where people would try to hide. One shot from them, and you’re toast.

There was a strange storage room, larger on the inside than out, shaped like the symbol ] pretty much. There were a ton of people, as well as various creatures and tables filled with artifacts from different times in history. I remember taking someone in there for they could escape, however they were very klutzy and almost knocked down some 1487 vase, but I caught it. In the very far corner, there was some small innocent looking creature, that we were warned to stay out of the way of, as it’s not as innocent as it looks.

I was given some weapon to use against the creatures roaming the house/hotel, as only a certain type could penetrate their armor, however I moderately sucked at using it as it required three fingers to be able to use, which made it have to be held in a very awkward manner, which was difficult for me. It hadn’t been adapted for humans yet.

Somewhere in the dream, the doctor gets seriously injured and regenerates/changes into a hippie looking guy. I couldn’t believe how drastic the change was.
We ended up having to leave, so we escaped to outside of the building.

here were these strange reptilian looking creatures that stand up on their hind claws/paws and lick you. Pretty much pets. Apparently they’re from far in the past, but to ordinary people they just look like dogs.

We then fled to the Tardis, which is when I woke up.

This dream was obviously due to watching too much Doctor Who.

—– Dream 2 —–

I found myself waking up in a prison. I was given a paper with charges, the only one being possessing a gun, which I knew I didn’t do. My name was different on there too, which was the first sign that I knew something was slightly off, besides the fact I knew I didn’t even own a firearm.

There were several people in the section I was in, including one guy that was covered in nicks and scrapes. It was mostly glass for walls and barriers. There was one section that had a single sink another in the middle with a table and a few plastic chairs. A small room to the side had a few plain cots that were very uncomfortable looking, neatly made with clean white sheets. The fluorescent lights above kept on blinking as if they were at the verge of dying, however they remained on, sometimes blinking incessantly, sometimes becoming more stable for periods of time.

Some person came into the room, apparently associated with the prison where I was being held. When I asked for a phone call, they wouldn’t let me make one immediately, so I waited another day or two. There wasn’t really much to do. The quarters were so basic without any form of entertainment except counting how many times the before mentioned lights blinked. I had some odd conversations with the folk in there about why they were in prison, most were weird things that aren’t even illegal, perhaps like they were tossed in there just to get them put away.

One was like me, and didn’t even remember being in there, the last thing he remembered was being at home with his wife and kids.

The guard finally came back and I let him know that I’d need my medicine I take every few days, else I’d be pretty sick. Some guy I didn’t know, I think it was the one covered in nicks and scabs managed to get me out of that room and into another one with a computer.

I logged on Facebook and other sites I knew I was on and no-one was the same.

Everyone had different names, just slightly different than I knew them to be. My pictures were even different, I was older looking, with a longer beard and a mustache. Gruffier. Stronger looking. I then looked into a – and I did look like that. Not how I looked in my head, which is how I looked in real life or at least the memories that I had. I kept on checking different websites I’m registered on and every last one was different.

Even ones that were obscure that I’ve only used once or twice. Everyone’s names were different and each person looked slightly different than I remember, with different past events. Not significantly different, just enough that they didn’t seem real as I knew things to have happened differently

Example, instead of someone being named Joe Jordan they might of had the name John Jorden. I somehow managed to escape the prison, I think. I was suddenly out of there. I don’t recall how I got out. I don’t recall if I received help, or if I was released, which I figure I wasn’t as I was running, trying to get away. I even remember different buildings that I was running through.

For example, there was this huge tank of water or some liquid with two men in the middle. They were confused to how I got there, so I had to jump to the side, where there was a few inches of ledge where I could hold onto the top of the wall, and walk around to an exit. I managed to do that.

Then I jumped out of there into the entrance of another building. Somehow the doors locked, and I couldn’t get out, so I managed to avoid everyone in there, managed to get to what seemed to be a basement of sorts, and got out of a small window there that happened to be unlocked. It was one of those that’s right above ground level, so sunlight can still get in.

From there, I kept on hopping fences, climbing up those metal stairways that lead to the top of buildings, running down other ones until I got too tired to continue. I thought I was safe, but then I heard people behind me pursuing me.

I then ran into a large skyscraper that seemed to appear out of nowhere. I went to the elevator, which is broken, then I took the stairs. There wasn’t anyone in the building it seemed, at least not that I could hear, so I went back down the stairs and went out of the building. It had one of those rotating entrances, I forget what you call them.

I then nearby to a homeless shelter, because I thought I’d get some soup or at least some rest there. But when I opened the door, there was nothing but a brick wall behind it. A woman next to the door was laughing and saying didn’t you know that they’ve been closed for years? I keep on going roaming randomly.

I then woke in the dream up to find myself back where I started, but with full memory of being there before. I then woke up in real life, which was comforting as it reminded me of the movie, “Groundhogs Day”.

—— DREAM 3 ——

The aliens were paying humans to allow them to do experiments on them with the guarantee that they’d come back no worse than they left, so I volunteered.

Firstly, they had us go into antigravity units (tubes almost) with clear walls where you could see space. They inserted tubes which would continually circulate and recirculate your blood in and out of your body. I was able to move around pretty freely in this space, and I vaguely remember there being another human in the same tube/chamber. It was probably fifteen feet long by eight or ten feet high.

Not long after the process had started, I developed a 102.5 fever, which
they were able to calm down. I remember the tubes coming out a few times
erroneously, which wasn’t pleasant as they had to be reinserted.

The last part was an experiment with teeth. They basically removed all our teeth and then reinserted different teeth, which ended up being the teeth from some of the 5,000 other humans they were experimenting on, and they looked utterly horrible. I can remember every detail of them working on the teeth and in my mouth for hours including the sheer numbness and pressure of them working in my mouth for hours and hours.

They used some sort of blue light thing that would heal human wounds -much- faster than was normally possible.

I even vaguely remember them let us test pilot a few of their smaller space craft, with limitations as the weapons and other systems were locked out. They were primarily controlled with your mind, but there were a few aspects
that required actual touch.

The aliens themselves looked mostly human, but with a few significant differences such as the faces were oddly shaped and tinted, and they were somewhat shorter than most humans.

They could speak to each other telepathically and seemed to have some issues with talking verbally to us, as they hadn’t needed to use their voices in a very, very long time.

Towards the end, they did let us go back. However, they didn’t finish the process with our teeth and they didn’t give any sort of compensation as they had promised.

I then woke up.

Those are three dreams that I’ve recorded, pretty weird ones. I have normal ones all of the time, however rarely do I have them detailed enough that I can remember minute details. In the fuzziness between being awake and asleep, you can remember it all, but then, just as quickly, it’s gone.

Now, about the pralines part. My brother wanted me to make him a few.

I’ve been told by many role they are better than the local candy companies, I believe it as they we blech back when I could eat pecans.

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My day yesterday, as it’s past midnight

October 19, 2013 – 12:34

Yesterdays trip went alright. Visited with my mother and an old neighbor that has known me since I was two.

Every time I go to a nearby city it is pretty depressing to see the run down home that my mother lives in. I always wish that I could get her a new place or something as she deserves so much more than what she has.

We are at John’a bbq Jamaican jerk city, however I couldn’t hardly eat it as it was too spicy.

The air conditioning didn’t seem to work and when we got there at 12:30 for lunch, we were the only customers. Everything seemed cheap and outdated. The only person working was the owner.

We both ordered fried chicken, rice and cabbage as I didn’t desire to try goat in a hole in the walk restaurant.

I used a Livingsocial deal so it was pretty cheap. Definitely not worth full price. As I mentioned before the spices were overwhelming. It was nice and hot, though. I would not recommend it for someone with good allergies, as everything is fried in the same oil, more than likely. This plate would have cost $10.

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I’m not going to go into anything deep tonight as I’m exhausted. I’m using the mobile app to write this on my phone, which I have done for roughly half my posts so far.

Thursdays post on sin might have typos galore, but I’m not going to edit posts after writing them or at least try not to.

I supposed for prayer requests tonight I’d say for my health and depression as well as for my mother who is struggling to support herself and my brother.

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Even weeds have their beauty.

Sin and such

October 17, 2013 – 10:23pm.

I have been pondering what to post tonight for a while, but I have decided to post on a topic that many are familiar with, sin.

It’s not an easy topic, but it’s something that every single person on this world suffers from, regardless if they’re saved or not or if they know they are sinning or not. The fact is, we’ll be sinning every day until we die and go to be with Christ or until Christ comes to Earth. It’s impossible for us to go even a day without sinning.

I know that I’ve dealt with various sin in my life for as long as I can remember it seems and have been constantly and consistently dragged down by the guilt and shame associated with it.

Everyone even deals with sin and even repetitive sin on a daily basis.

Sin in itself is repetitive.
The definition that my friend and your friend Google gives us of repetitive is: containing or characterized by repetition, especially when unnecessary or tiresome..

Sin is so tiresome and unnecessary. Yet we suffer with it on a daily basis due to Satan who posed as a snake in the Garden of Good and evil so many years ago managed to tempt Eve into eating and sharing the fruit of the tree.

The most difficult part for me personally has been believing that Christ will forgive us and makes us clean of our sins and believing that his blood and death on the cross is sufficient for that forgiveness. I definitely do not feel cleansed. The weight of my sin is definitely still there and plagues me on a daily basis. This is the work of Satan, I’m sure, the nefarious devil that he is.

I tend to like I believe most people do, try to categorize sin. I also have the bad habit of making myself think that mine is worse than everyone else’s, while sin is sin.

If there were two people that had never sinned*  and one steals a grape from the grocery store to see how sweet it is before they buy it and another pushes someone into the path of an incoming train, they’d both be sinners. Yes, their would be different worldly consequences for each of them, but they’d each be guilty of sinning before God, which would prevent them from inheriting the kingdom of God. (*Rom 3:23)

I’m not going to go into the various verses in the Bible that go into some sins being worse than others, my point being that sin is sin, regardless of the worldly severity and I know that myself, personally, tend to take it some sins far lighter than others when in the end, all they can lead to is death.

It is much easier for me to forgive others than it is to forgive myself, which is something that I really need to do. For if Christ’s blood has covered my sins and I’ve been forgiven, who am I to practically say to his face that it’s not enough by pitying myself in my own guilt and “inward shame” as the popular contemporary Christian song that I can’t remember the name of because my memory is awful calls it?

I suppose that this is one of the things that I could use prayer about, that I’ll come to better comprehend God’s grace and the significence of Christ’s sacrifice on the cross. I know that none of us will fully be able to comprehend it while on Earth.

I can’t wait for that day when believers will get to live on the New Heaven and Earth without having to have the tremendous burden that sin ties down on us every day, at least me, personally.

Without pain. Reunited with our family and friends that passed before us that were Christians. Being able to live life again, not some boring existence in the clouds playing a harp somewhere as many invision Heaven to be, but the life that was meant for us from the beginning, before sin even came into the picture. Real, eternal relationships, living in a real, physical Earth with truly infinite amounts to learn, with eternity to explore unending wonders, with perfected bodies, no more temptations, no more sin, no more doubting, no more sorrow and no more pain.

What a glorious day that will be.

(That last bit reminded me of Penn, for those who knew him)

“I’m” posting too many blog posts

October 17, 2013, 10:43AM.

I know that I am more than likely writing far too many posts on this blog. I will try to keep them limited as I don’t want to burn myself out. Every time I think about writing on this blog, I can easily see in my head how any post that I make might turn into into 15 pages.

I’ve been known to write extraordinarily long emails and posts in the past. Not on Facebook or on blogs, but to different individuals. There are a few out there that might be reading this that can attest to this fact. I can be extraordinarily long winded when I want to be, which is the total opposite to how I seem in real life, due to my unwanted and unneeded fear of judgement.

It is quite odd how I more free to write on here than I do to talk to someone in person. It has been that way for as long as I can remember. I’ve used writing as a form of clearing my head for many, many years. Sometimes I go off on tangents, occasionally I’ll stick to a topic solidly and not stray from it.

Is there anything in particular that anyone would like me to write about? Probably not, however I’d give it a shot. Except quantum mechanics. That’s just not my thing.

I have also noticed how there are entirely too many “I”‘s and “me”‘s in this blog post. Far too many. I’ll try to improve upon this.

Until my next post,

Stephen

Prayer

October 17, 2013, 9:28am

Well, feeling not well this morning due to that medicine I took last night. I’ll hopefully feel better by tonight. Enough about that…

This morning I am thinking about prayer and how I don’t pray anywhere even close to enough. It’s not just due to lack of time. If we are honest with ourselves, time isn’t a huge issue.

We could find time to pray even if we had to sacrifice doing some activity that we enjoy. For me though, it’s lack of motivation. It is also the fact that when I pray, or feels like it hits a concrete ceiling and bounces back down unheard, which I know isn’t the case. It’s Satan using one of his tactics from his bag of tricks that he uses every day to try and deceive us.

I’m going to try to pray more often. I challenge you, reader, to do the same. Hold me accountable if you want to.

This morning I’m specifically going to pray for Jesus to fill this spiritual void I’ve had. I’m also going to pray for a 19 year old teenager named Yves who had a heart attack yesterday. Also for those affected and trying to recover from powerful cyclone Phailin that hit northeast India last week.

I’ll probably post again later today.

Until then,

Stephen

(written from mobile device)

What should this blog be?

October 17. 2013, 1:11 AM

I am debating what kind of posts I should make to this blog. I don’t want to make them too often as it would make the blog rather uninteresting.

I could simply combine them into a long daily posts, however it wouldn’t make sense depending on the topic. I’m guessing overall this blog will be rather random.

I anticipate that it will include what I’m learning from the word, spiritual struggles, general life updates and even pictures and reviews from restaurants I may eat at.

Expect random photos, thoughts, rants and ideas. I honestly haven’t the slightest what I will be posting on here. Expect the unexpected.

image

Like an angry cardinal that happens to be a geocache. You were not expecting that. I didn’t think so.

Have a great night folks. For the third time. Sorry about that. Insomnia. Gotta love it.

Late night thoughts

October 17, 2013: 12:20am

This WordPress application seems to work fairly well, consider me impressed. It doesn’t offer much when it comes to formatting, but most basic features are present.

This will be great for blogging from bed as I am currently (I sometimes think clearest at the edge of wakefulness and sleep) or when I am out of the house.

Occasionally there will be a passworded post as it might be a bit more personal than usual, just send me a message on here or Facebook or somewhere if that is the case and I’ll send it to you.

I just took my medicine, so it’s going to be a rough night and an even tougher day tomorrow.

I’m hoping that I will feel like going to Bible study tomorrow night, but I can never tell how I’ll feel day to day or even hour to hour sometimes.

I’m looking forward to the day that I don’t have to worry about these earthly pains. I can’t even begin to imagine what that will be like.

I hope that everyone has a fantastic night.

My first post

October 16, 2013: 9:45PM

I keep on telling myself that I will start a blog, however I always procrastinate. When I actually do start one, I set myself to update it every day. I generally achieve this goal for a while, however in a few weeks I lose any motivation I had and abandon it.

This is probably my third attempt and I am not going to try to hold myself to the same level as before, as I know I will not be able to post every day. I will attempt to though, especially if there is an app available on Android, I have yet to check.

I will be posting miscellaneous ramblings here about my life and thoughts in general, I will try not to be overly filtered in my posts and simply post what I am thinking. I will occasionally post video blogs as well if WordPress will allow it, if not I’ll upload the videos to Youtube and simply post a link. The layout of this blog will likely change as I try out different templates and possibly make my own.

I was going to write an elaborate blog post for tonight, however I am not in the best state of mind as I have too much swirling around in my head, so I will not attempt to write a long post.

Prayer is appreciated though, as I really haven’t been very motivated to do much of anything these days due to health and spiritual issues and just general lack of motivation.

Stephen