Just Stephen

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First giant flush

Even though I’m hurting a seven on a scale of ten, they’re going to do a giant 500ml flush which is contradictory to everything I see online from various hospitals that recommend starting at 100 and increasing the amount every four days by 50ml.

I know that this is going to hurt like hell.

Dinner was inedible – a dry, over cooked hamburger with no condiments and rather dry and pasty Mac and cheese.


Still here

I will be in until at least tomorrow and the surgeon said I can remain for a few days if I need to. We will see how I feel, but if I’m feeling as rough as I am now, I don’t see myself leaving until Saturday.

I just forced myself to walk all four hallways and that exhausted me.

The only momentous occasion was this morning when both of my IVs popped within ten minutes of each other.

I also got to pet one of the therapy dogs named Holly, who is a standard poodle.

Here’s my inedible lunch, greasy microwave chicken strips and floppy microwave fries.

Not shown: permelted ice cream.

It’s getting real

Well, apparently I’m getting this done. I haven’t fully grasped it in my head, but we will see how it goes. I’ll be having the surgery tomorrow evening and today I will be having bowel prep at the hospital itself.

I’ve been told the surgery will likely take in excess of two hours as I have previous scar tissue from another GI surgery as a teenager.

After a couple tries, they finally got my IV in. There’s nowhere to go but forward from here.

One more

I think I’m going to start writing a few posts on my view on various topics starting perhaps tomorrow sometime, such as various political or ethical issues that are going around the news.


I know this is just going to be yet another depressing post, but too bad. I am just sick and tired of being sick and tired. The depression is just starting to be too much. I just need prayers. Serious prayers. I hope all of the readers are doing well, even though there aren’t any that I know of.

Just Stephen

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I am writing this with my phone tonight.

Today has been a pretty good day.

The first thing I did was go to the neurologist. They ordered a few tests and did some bloodwork.

I then went to the Mellow Mushroom, ate a hoagie and then went to a friend’s house to celebrate two college students birthday.

I managed to be a bit more social than I usually am and I am surprised by how much that encouraged me. I might try to be more social and outgoing more often.

Anyway, not much to say tonight. Not feeling well, itchy and hurting but I’m okay. Take care,


8.24.2014 1.13 am

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Random stuff

7/27/2014 10PM

This post is going to be a little all over the place. I haven’t posted in over a month. I’ve thought about it, but I haven’t been able to come up with anything coherent to post about.

I haven’t been feeling well physically as I twisted my back worse a few weeks ago and it’s made it hard to do too much. I was also assaulted in downtown Savannah two weeks ago now, I believe it was.

Two African American guys about six feet tall came up behind me and elbowed or hit me in the back of the head, knocking me down, my glasses flew off. They looked at me for a moment and then ran away as fast as they could. I called 911, the officer filed a report and I refused EMS services.

Anyway, I’m feeling better from that, I think. Maybe not complete, but mostly.

Another reason I thought I’d post tonight is to talk about a sermon that I just listened to that spoke to me a bit. The topic was a chapter in Psalms, pretty much asking do you hate your sins because they make you feel bad or hurt you, or because there’s real world consequences for them, or do you hate your sin because of what Christ had to pay for them and because you understand that God is just and cannot be around sin.

Sadly, it seems in my head that I’ve been one of the former. I sin. I hate the fact that I sin. I hate the guilt that it brings me. I hate how depressed it makes me. Far more depressed than usual. I hate that I did it and that some sins are habitual for me, and how many times I’ve fallen to them.

Not as often as I like do I actually think about the sacrifice that Christ made for we could be with Christ and how my sins look to God. I merely think about how they make me feel, which is by far not the most important aspect. 

I definitely need to pray more that God will show me and help me understand what Christ did on the cross and to help me understand and comprehend how heinous sin is to God.

I’m not the most coherent tonight, I have so many things going on in my mind that it’s not funny. I can’t stop thinking, which is what typically happens this time of night.

I’m going to cut this short and get some sleep before long, I think.

I hope that everyone has a good night. I’ll try to post on here more often, but I won’t make any guarantees.

Just Stephen 

Boring day

6/23/2014 2:47

Not much going on. Still sitting around the house most of the time hurting. My back aches, my arms ache and I’ve feeling all over blah. I wish I would’ve been able to go on that mission trip this week, however I couldn’t risk going with my health the way it is right now.

Very depressed, but such is life.

On another note, Jury Duty probably next Monday. I’m going to try to get out of it because I honestly don’t feel like dealing with it healthwise or mentally. We’ll see.

Just Stephen

Ugh. My back.

6/19/2014 2:52PM.

And I thought I knew pain. Monday I happened to lift something the wrong way and heard my back tear. It’s been killing me ever since. I went to the doctor today and he didn’t even look at my back – just tossed me some muscle relaxants that I’ll try tonight, but I don’t really have much trust in them, as they didn’t do much before for my back.

I’m hoping I’ll feel like going on that mission trip next week, but if I feel like this, I might still go, but I’ll be able to do very little. 

This is probably my shortest post yet.


Another random post (I’m horrible at subjects/titles)

6/14/2014 1:49pm

I just got home from a short meeting about the mission trip I’ll be going on a week from now. It should go well. However, I was just informed that there wasn’t enough room for me to volunteer at the camp that I thought I was going to be helping out at for a week. This is disappointing, as I’d already planned around it, however I guess it’s not God’s plan for me to be there this week, so I’m not going to try to worry about it too much.

Also, another thing I’m trying to work on is busyness. I don’t have the regular seven days a week that most people have. I have four or five full days a week that I’m able to do anything with. I presently go to Sunday morning service, a Tuesday night Bible study and a Wednesday evening small group and sometimes a Thursday night Bible study. I’m just trying on focusing on not doing too much or getting myself too busy. The point of small groups is to be able to connect and live life with the other people in the small group that you’re in. It’s much easier to do so when it’s a smaller group, at least for me, as when it’s larger I freeze up and I’m unable to speak, while in a smaller group setting I’m absolutely fine.

I’m just debating what to do right now. I’m just getting mixed signals from different people, so I need to figure something out for I won’t have to be stressed about it. I’m just not good at making decisions that will have a major impact on things, as I like to consider them thoroughly and I can be quite the worrier.

Regardless, I don’t know why I’m posting this, I just thought I would.

I hope everyone has a fantastic day.. I’m going to take my medicine and get some sleep for I might feel like going to church in the morning. I don’t know if I will or not – we’ll see. 

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3am this time


Today, well, yesterday was an interesting day, I suppose. I went and had my heart monitor put on that I will have to wear for twenty one days. I hope that it’ll find something. I just have to wait until I feel particularly bad as I do fairly often and press the buttons to report it..

My mattress in a box came today. I don’t know what I think of it yet. It has to be better than my forty plus year old bed that I had before. I went to a Bible study. It went well, then I went and played an interesting card game called munchkins for a few hours. It’s pretty entertaining, but I’m a bit too competitive with games I think, especially when I think, but was not certain, that someone was cheating.

I also finished season two of 24. I didn’t like the way it ended because it seems like they skipped three years after the ending until the next season began. Ending a cliff hanger with events that happened three years later is not cool, not cool at all.

I’m having a good many issues physically and trying to get my head sorted out over many things that I’m too tired to go over right now, so everyone have a fantastic night if you can. Morning technically. Whatever.

Just Stephen


6/1/2014 7 PM

Today has been another long day. The medicine I took for my stomach last night didn’t work, so I’m having to take it today again hoping that it will. If not, next step is a bottle of magnesium citrate. Having weird pains in my back and chest, not sure what they are, but they come and go.

I didn’t make it to church today, but I guess my high point of the day was talking to a friend I’ve known online for years. They always manage to cheer me up. If only circumstances were different… What else…

I pretty much have watched all of the 24 episodes that I can tolarate. There’s another five left in this season or “day” as you could call it.

Anyway, I am going to try to get some rest for maybe that medicine would work. I’m not holding my breath and I don’t have a good feeling about it. Maybe I’m wrong, hopefully it’ll work. I guess I’ll have to wait to see.

I just hope today isn’t indicative of how the rest of the month is going to be.

Have a good evening folks.

Just Stephen

A random poem

5/1/2014 12:50am

Filled with oppression by an enemy I can’t see
Satans tendrils crawl over me
Filling my mind with lies and dread
Thoughts of the past producing self hatred
He is powerful, that I can see
But he is nothing, compared to he who died for me
He can lure and tempt and try to deceive
Sometimes remain when I beg him to leave
Darkening my soul and bringing on shame
But when it comes to the end, only one thing remains
God is mightier, more powerful is He
Than this foul serpent who throws guilt upon me
Try as he might he shall not win
For God is the victor – he is my friend

I wrote this poem in two minutes or so, I know not why. It’s pretty bland but does show one truth that I fail to realize or acknowledge far too often, which is that God has already won the fight. I need to stop striving and simply do the best I can on a day to day basis and trust in His promises. Sometimes that’s easier said than done due to our fallen human nature. But persevere we must.

Just Stephen

I don’t know

6/1/2014 12:20am

I sit here in bed, with my stomach griping from my medicine that May or may not work, listening to my fan which helps my tinnitus, a dog yapping incessantly outside and the sound of cars rumbling by outside. I’m hoping my medicine will work, but if can never know. I wish I didn’t have to take it.

I went today to see my mother and brother in city next door. I’m not sure if that was a good idea or mot, as I felt miserable by the time I got homer, even before it.

They are doing okay, but I wish there was something I could do for them. I wish that I was well to do and at least buy them a new trailer, but of course that is not the case.

To be honest, I am mostly writing this to get my head in gear. I tried to read Forever odd, the second book in the Odd Thomas series by Dean Koontz, but I couldn’t get my head in the game.

Just be praying that I’ll get feeling better as I’m sick and tired of not being able to live much of a life due to all of these health issues that I struggle with all of the time, plus my spiritual struggles that are ever present.

The mutt a few houses over started barking incessantly again. I guess that’s my cue to get some rest if I can. Take care.

Just Stephen

Yawn, it’s 2am

Well, it’s two in the morning and I find myself here lying in the bed thinking about the past, as I do far too often. There’s nothing I can change about it, however my head doesn’t want to stay in the the present. Are there’re to things that I would’ve changed if I could? Yes. Who knows what the consequences of any changes would have been, though.

Yesterday went fairly well, overall. I didn’t do a whole lot. Rearranged a few doctors appoints such as the stress test that I will be getting tomorrow and the ct that I will be getting on Friday. I hope that. They will find something as I am tird of feeling the way that I do all of the het irvine. I don’t let many people onto the way I feel we I don’t want to sound like someone who wants to be the center of attention, as I don’t. I just want to be healthier for I can live a more normal life.

I just need to figure things out. The way that my mother has to live right now has me depressed. She deserves better than he hat she has now and there’s not much that I can do to help her out. I need to figure out what I can do with my life as my health doesn’t show any signs if getting better. I hope that the tests show something, but I’m not optimistic at all.

I have a new small group Bible study that I hope to attend tomorrow night. It’s odd that I was invited the night after my other small group study ended for the summer. It’s even on same night of the week as the other. I might have posted about this already, I honestly don’t remember and I’m not going over my posts to see what I have or haven’t posted as I’m trying not to worry about what I post in this blog.

There are so many other things besides this going on In my head that I feel like my head is going to explode. Perhaps if I feel like going on those two trips next month it will help me be able to clear my mind a little bit. I’ve already made sure that I can get a day or two off to sit around and do nothing for each of them do out my stomach. I know one of them isn’t doing anything at all strenuous and I can rest whenever needed. I’m going to make sure heather the other one doesn’t require anything very physical either, we I’m not up to it these days.

I a m going to try to get some sleep, but with my luck it’ll probably be five before I can get to sleep. Who knows. Regardless, take care everyone.

Just Stephen


Sunday 2.24.14 2:34pm

Today I was told about a gaming place downtown where I might try to go sometime. I am not the best with socializing with people I don’t know, but perhaps it could be some sort of outlet said they are there just to play board games and socialize, mostly. I might give it a try sometime to see how it goes. You never know until you give it a try.

It has been a very long day, I overdid it as I tend to do, even when I don’t try to overdo it. Went to church then helped with the coffee team for two services. I hope that I did everything correctly cleaning up, but I don’t know.

Then I took a high kid out to eat to lunch and came home.

I’m simply exhausted. Sim definitely not looking forward to the medical tests coming up this week. Especially having to drink that barium for the ct scans, but I’m hoping they will show something as I’m so sick and tired of being nary all the time, with severe stomach pains, having to schedule my life by my stomach and not bring able to do near as much as I want with my life due to that, my back problems and cardio issues.

We’ll see. I just need to trust Christ and realize that there is a master plan even if I don’t know it.

I’m going to try to get some sleep as I don’t think I can stay up any longer,


Today… Well, yesterday

May 23 2014 1:06am

Well, yesterday was very painful to start out for the first half of the day or so because of my medicine, it was so much worse than usual, which is saying a lot for me as I am mostly used to the pain that accompanies my stomach issues.

It seems that it got a bit better not long before I was going to get ready to try to go to church to help with the ministry that at I try to help with on Thursdays when I feel able, so that was some sort of I sign that I was supposed to be there, I suppose. It went pretty well, overall nothing over extraordinary. I then went to a college bible study class afterwards and enjoyed hearing the different seniors tell what they have learned over the past four years in college. I took a few notes and I’ll go over them another day.

What is also odd is that I was invited to participate in another small group study on Wednesday dafter noons, a day after the current small group study that I have been going to at the same time ended. I am going to. Try it out, who knows how it’ll go, but I’m going to give it a try and see. It’s a small group of on our of iLife, which ends good for me we function a good bit better in small groups than I do in large groups, tat lee east when it comes to communciating.

Tomorrow, we’ll, today, I’m not sure what I am going to do, it really depends on how I feel in the morning. If I feel as I do this moment, I probably won’t do a whole lot tomorrow. Considering it is Memorial Day weekend, everything is bound to be crowded.

I’m not going to make all of my posts about a particular topic, just whatever is on my mind at any given time. I don’t expect that many people I’ll be reading this regardless.

I hope that everyone has a good night,

Just Stephen


Thursday, 6am

I am lying in bed hurting severely, pretty much agonizing pain. It feels like someone is plunging a knife into my lower stomach and is twisting it over and over again. I am used to the pain, otherwise I’d probably be screaming. It’s bad enough that I am very nauseated from it.

If my stomach would work, I’d probably feel a lot better, but I have no control over what it does. This could last hours until the afternoon or my medicine could miraculously work sooner and then I wouldn’t be hurting as much.

Oddly, when I am hurting like this is one of the times when I feel closest to God. I never blame him for my pain, as I know that it is not from him.

Very few people know truly how much I hurt as I don’t like to complain. I am just getting very, very tired of it though. I wish my stomach could work regularly then perhaps I could lead a more normal life. This is probably just a pipe dream though, as after all of these years I don’t see it happening.

I know this is a pretty depressing post, however for some reason I thought I’d post something, maybe as a way to get my mind off of the pain.

Needless to say, prayer is appreciated.

Just Stephen

Here I am again

5 20 2014 12:15am

I am sitting here in bed like I do quite often, just thinking.

Today was rather productive, if I do say so myself. I went to both the cardiologists and gastrologists offices. The cardiologist did an EKG and echocardiogram. The EKG was normal, which I expected as they really don’t show that much regardless. I will know the results of the echocardiogram hopefully later this week. They are also going to do a stress test next Wednesday and have me wear a monitor for 21 days. I’m hoping that they will figure something out as I’m tired of hurting and getting out of breath and dizzy so often.

The gastrologists appointment went better than I was expected. He’s going to order a CT scan I believe of my small intestine and if that isn’t fruitful he’ll do a blood circulation test of the intestine, however that works. I think that when I told the receptionist that if he doesn’t do anything this time that there’s really no need for me to come back that she may of informed him of this statement.

I hope that they find something as I am also sick and tired of my stomach hurting all of the time, not being able to do much due to my stomach not working and having to take brutal medicines that give me three or four bad days and being constantly hungry every second of the day and simply not being able to eat. Even after I do eat and while I am eating I am still hungry. I don’t remember what it’s like hardly not to feel hungry. I contribute this to my stomach and body not digesting anything properly.

Spiritually, I’m in a bad place tonight, but I’m not going to go into it as I simply do not feel like it. I am going to to go ahead and get some sleep so that perhaps I will feel like going and doing something tomorrow, even if it is resting most of the day and then going to church tomorrow afternoon.

I hope that everyone has a fantastic night,

Just Stephen


5/18/2014 9:40PM

I couldn’t really think of a more creative name for this post title than, ‘Thoughts’ as I’m rather scatterbrained tonight. I went out to eat dinner with a friend, where we talked about Christ and different ideologies and interpretations of different scriptures and verses in the Bible and their meanings.

I’ll be honest, I’m not used to talking about too much when it comes to the Bible. Sure, I know what it says, but deep down, like most people I believe, somewhere deep down I want to be able to interpret everything in the Bible the way that my head sees it, and modify it to fit my needs, which is exactly what Satan wants us to do, I’m sure.

This somehow brings my mind to an article I read previously about all of the statements that many Christians say that are very misquoted, as the full context is not properly understood. Here’s a link:


Regardless, I believe that tonight was good for me simply due to the fact it has my mind thinking in the right direction. Just being able to have a rael conversation with someone about Christ and the Bible starts synapses in my brain that aren’t often triggered by simply listening to a sermon.

It reminds me of how in Proverbs 27 it speaks of iron sharpening iron and sharpening other believers. I need to work on this. i definitely get more from small groups where you actually have the ability to talk than large sermons where someone is talking to hundreds of people and you simply listen, as you can receive feedback on your thoughts immediately rather than having to process whatever the pastor or speaker is saying and then apply it to your life yourself. The fact that I’m an utterly horrible note taker really doesn’t help that reality very much.

I am going to attempt to keep posting on here every few days, as I completely abandoned this blog for many months. I hadn’t even thought about it for a while until I got the domain name expiration reminder from my registrar, which really shows that it wasn’t being used.

I think that I am going to lie down or perhaps watch something online, or perhaps simply think for a while. This post is going to end up much shorter than I thought it was going to be, with a word count of only 400 or so, which is very short considering some of the small novels I have written before in emails and posts on various blogs and in random wordpad documents that I’m no longer able to find due to my lack of organizational skills when it comes to keeping hard drives and folders organized.

Now it’s 455.

Have a great night,

Just Stephen

A random post about Apple

5/18/2014. 9:30pm.

I’ll probably write two posts tonight, the first is about Apple. I’ll keep this short as technology talk is boring to some. (Not that anyone reads this!)

I recently came upon an Apple Ipad 3 that my brother no longer used. My old impressions of the Apple brand still stand firm for the most part, as the software is very proprietary, not very customizable and isn’t flexible when it comes to making any significant changes to the operating system itself.

As for what I do like about the Ipad 3 that I acquired.

I’ll list a few simple pros and cons.


Great quality screen

Decent audio

Quick processor, limited lag

Smooth graphic movement

The touchscreen is very responsive.



Only 16gb.

You can not add additional memory.

The button placement is very awkward.

The keyboard isn’t customizable and can make typing very slow and cumbersome.

It’s heavier than I’d like.

You can transfer files from your Ipad to your PC, but it’s a one way connection. You can’t easily transfer files from your computer to your Ipad.

No removable battery. This plagues all Apple devices though, not just Ipads.


Regardless, I see how it would appeal to those who want a product that is concrete in it’s foundation, that is near foolproof that would be almost impossible to destroy by misconfiguring settings and that allows you to reset the device to factory settings in a couple buttons if you decide to. However, for those seeking something more, something that you can bend to your needs and that you can have more control over yourself, I wouldn’t recommend an Apple product, as I don’t see their current structure changing any time soon, as they’ve been able to make huge profits with their current idealogy that they can figure out internally what they believe consumers want, create one product that they believe fits the demand, without worrying about those ‘few’ Android fans like myself that need something a little more customizable to adjust to our unique needs when it comes to a mobile or portable device.

I, personally, will stick to Android devices in the future. (Minus this Ipad that I’ve acquired)

An update

5/17/2014 – 1AM

I am here lying on my bed thinking about life, because I am in severe pain from my stomach and my chest is feeling weird. I debate in my head if my olive is worth anything, if I died tomorrow would I have accomplished anything in life…

But then, somewhere in the back of my head I hear a voice of reason that tells me that Christ has forgiven the many sins I commit on a daily basis and how his son was enough, however there is a voice that tries to be convincing and generally succeeds that tells me the opposite and causes me to doubt greatly and leads me into a pit of despair.

Right now, it feels that the latter is winning and my mind is in shambles. I really need to get it straightened out, as I despise feeling like this.

I am going to attempt to get some sleep for church in the morning so I hope everyone has a great night. Pray for me if you will, it’s most definitely appreciated.

just stephen


I apologize for not posting in the last few months, I haven’t been feeling well these days. I know I really haven’t been near my goal of posting something once every day. At this point, I doubt that will happen at all. It might if I get motivated enough, but I don’t know about that.

Not a whole lot has happened. Had a colonoscopy in January, didn’t show much I had an upper endoscopy as well, where they dilated a stricture in my esophagus. My main gastrointestinal doctor has pretty much given up on me, telling me to take the medicine that I’ve been taking for 15 years that doesn’t hardly work half of the time I take it these days.

My back is still hurting me these days and my stomach still isn’t great, nerve stuff still bothers me all the time, but what can you do when you can’t get a proper diagnosis or medication that will help your issues. I might try a few homeopathic medications if I can find any that seem promising, you never know. I just hope to one day feel better in this world, if that doesn’t happen, I at least have a hope that in Heaven to come I won’t have to worry about pain or suffering.

Regardless, I’ll try to post on here more often.

-Just Stephen

It’s been a while

It has been quite a while since I last posted on this blog. I simply haven’t had the motivation or inspiration to do so.

It’ll be Christmas in a few days and I’m struggling to get into the Christmas spirit – I just can’t seem to get motivated for it this year. Ever since my Grandmother passed away, it’s been a tough time for our family as we always came together at her house for some sort of Christmas dinner, however that tradition no longer exists. I’m not quite sure what I’ll be doing on Christmas day – I don’t really have any plans as of yet.

Yesterday I went to Pooler and gave my mother a bicycle for Christmas and adjusted it for her – she seems to be enjoying it. It is much better than walking a few miles at 4am in the morning to work, however she still needs to be careful as it’s not really safe outside anywhere that early in the morning. They don’t have a lot, so I was glad to be able to give her something that she can actually use.

I also generally come up with a set of new year resolutions, however I do not know if I am even going to try this year, as I am never able to actually fulfill many of them, so it’s honestly rather useless in a sense. I can look back at lists from years ago, one in particular that is the oldest (2007) and can see that my resolutions have pretty much stayed the same over the years, give or take.

I just hope that 2014 will be better than 2013. That’s what I always say – but I guess I shouldn’t get my expectations too high.

I have a few medical tests scheduled for January – a colonoscopy and an upper endoscopy, perhaps the tests will reveal something that they were not previously aware of.

As for prayer, please pray that something will lift this depression I’ve had recently. It’s from a combination of different things that I don’t feel like going into presently. I’ll try to update this blog more often, however I cannot make any promises.



11 06 2013 10:35am

I just realized that I have not posted in a while. This is due to I just haven’t been feeling well these days and an almost complete lack of motivation to do so.

I don’t have anything interesting to write, so I am going to keep this short.


Early morning ramblings

6:14am – 11/30/2013

I know that I haven’t posted anything in a while so I thought I’d post a little something this morning anyway.

Thanksgiving went well enough, went on a day trip out of town. Yesterday was full of drama because of one certain tenant here as she likes to call herself.

If that happens too much, I might look for somewhere else to stay as drama and stress makes me physically sick. I already am sick all of the time, so that’s the last thing I need.

Managed to see a gastrologists PA the other day. Colonoscopy in January. I’m hoping it’ll show something. It just gets tiring being sick most of the time.

I thought about posting 26 things I am thankful for on Thanksgiving, however that seemed a bit corny.

I’m writing this on my phone, so I’m going to turn this off and get some rest or try to.

Have a fantastic day, everyone.


Late night ponderings

Nov 24 2013, 2:35am

I was talking to an old friend online the other day. It was great to hear and see that they we’re doing a lot between both mentally and physically than before, however what saddened me is when she said that she was an atheist. Sure, I knew she was unsure about religion, however hearing that directly put a sadness on my heart.

Sure, at times, especially when I don’t feel his presence I question if there is truly a God, however I have to realize that it is satan putting thoughts into my head.

Looking at the world around me, examining the miniscule details and the immense complexity of the world also shows me that there is no way that this Earth could be the product of two particles of dust running together and billions of years of evolution. It just doesn’t compute. That leads to the fact that there must be another explanation and the Bible is the only one that I’ve found that makes a shred of sense.

I’m not going on and on tonight. If you want to pray for me, pray that I’ll not linger in the past and the time I’ve wasted, but focus on the future as we never know how long we have left. Also, pray for my health. I’ve been feeling weaker and weaker and more drained every day it seems.


Birthday post

11/22/2013 – 9:15pm

Well, today is my 26th birthday. I’m pretty determined at the moment to make this year better than the rest that I’ve had, as I’m tired of living life mediocrely. I’m tired of just sitting around and letting life slip by. The past thirteen years in particularly have been pretty non-productive. The same old going around in circles and going no-where fast.

Too much repetitiveness. Some changes, but not nearly enough. I’m going to try to make sure that this year, year 26 of my life, is different and better than the rest. How am I going to do that? I don’t know. Will I need help with that? Probably. Will I accept help when I’m so stubborn about being independent as much as I’m physically able? I don’t know that either.

One way or another though, year 26 is going to be different than my life thus far.

I was going to write something that would end up being pretty corny, perhaps 26 things I’m glad for in my life, or 26 things I’ve learned over the years, however I’ll stick with this for now.


Churches, leaders and small groups

11/20/2013 – 9:45pm.

I usually struggle on having something to post, however tonight my mind has been stirred by a discussion that I had with a small group about church, pastors and their roles and the church and just the mindsets of those that attend churches.

Although a large part of the study ended up focusing on examining a certain paragraph in a deeper sense that C.J. Mahaney wrote in his book, ‘humility’, I started to examine my life when it comes to attending thoughts and was pondering the different motivations behind why people attend church and the reasons I have attended church in the past which aren’t the reason we’re supposed to, which is to learn more and give Glory to God.

I believe that many attend church out of a sense of obligation, others attend because they want to socialize and others are there to truly learn more about the Lord. Some attend as they feel it’s a safe place and some attend as they’re curious about this Christianity thing and they want to learn more. I’ve heard of people who have said that the only reason they’re attending church for the day or a Bible study or Sunday School is to make a final decision if they want to believe in Christ and creationism or Athiestism and they make their choice based solely on the one experience.

Going back to pastors and their roles in the church, this whole train of thought came from a discussion about if a pastor was to leave, what percentage of the church would remain due to them leaving. A good percentage would, I’m sure, however others would leave that were there for different reasons than to simply worship the Lord and learn more about his Word.

Myself, personally, I started as a child with my parents, going out of obligation as they did. As time went by, they stopped attending as much as were less strict on us to attend, to the point that they didn’t attend. I then in my early teens, or ‘tweens’ if you want to call it what they do these days, at the age of 10 or 11 started wanting to go to church again. At first, at that age, it was more to be around others. When I was that young, I don’t remember what my mindset was, but it wasn’t as much to focus on Christ. It was a safe haven and I was simply trying to fit in I believe. I was pretty much a recluse anyway at my house, I didn’t socialize much as I believe I started homeschooling at this point, so this gave me an opportunity to do so.

A few years later I became more serious about Christ, however I was always confused. I felt guilt for so many years and still do due to sins that I had committed. I didn’t fully comprehend God’s grace and I still don’t if I am honest.

I went to a few churches in my teenage years. I went to a Methodist church for several years. There were great people there. I had my first ‘experience’ or ‘high’ as some would call it there, at a trip to Daytona. I still don’t know to this day if that is when I accepted Christ or if it was solely an emotional experience brought on by the worship that they were having. David Crowder was playing via a “live link” as they called it. That is the first and the last time that I can remember that I was freely able to worship and I didn’t give a darn about what anyone else was thinking. Ever since, I’ve been always afraid of being judged due to my voice or any other number of things, so I just keep my mouth shut for every window in the building won’t break. (Not really, that wouldn’t happen.. Or would it?)

Regardless, after that point I was really convicted by sin, however I was pretty much stuck in it at that point. I didn’t understand grace. I didn’t truly repent for my sins. I believe I kept on going to church due to the same fact that there were people around that I could associate with and that it was a safe place where I could get away from all of the drama at home. Yes, I was searching, I’ve been searching for as long as I can remember, but it was a safe place for me, and that meant a lot.

I’ve done so much ‘going through the motions’ as Matthew West’s song says in my 25 years of life that it’s not funny. Sitting or standing at a pew just listening to the worship, trying to get some energy from it, thinking about the lyrics in my head and hoping that I’d get something from the worship service, but usually getting nothing at all. Sometimes I’d think to myself that I’ve heard it all before so I would get pretty bored and almost fall asleep as it seemed so repetitive to me and I just couldn’t apply it to my life.

At any rate, after I went to the Methodist church in Pooler, I started going to a Baptist church. I kept on trying to get closer to God, however it seemed not forthcoming, as if any time I prayed, my prayers were hitting an impenetrable barrier and just bouncing back, unheard and unanswered.

I know I went to a few churches before these when I was younger and in between, but they don’t hold a huge deal of significance to me. Such as a Pentecostal church where speaking in tongues was quite common. It was a good group, however I didn’t really get much from it. The speaking in tongues I didn’t really understand and back then I didn’t really have a true desire to understand them, in my head I attributed them as a gift that some might have possessed back in Biblical days, however now it’s not given.

I believe that I stopped attending there when I moved to where I lived with my grandmother, as there wasn’t any way that I could go back and forth as I didn’t drive and I still don’t.

I then started looking around here for churches to attend. I tried a few, a Methodist church I didn’t really enjoy as the ‘young adult’ group consisted of about a dozen elderly members in their 70’s and 80’s and I didn’t feel like I fit in. It’s quite possibly that they were young at heart, but not young when it comes down to physical age on this Earth.

I then started going to a Baptist church that my oldest brother used to attend. I enjoyed it for the most part, however it started getting stale after a time. I just couldn’t get a huge deal by the way that the sermon was being preached. The bullet list that the pastor used seemed to be getting more and more repetitive as I really didn’t get a lot from the little stories that he added on.

I was active in the college group for several years, however it honestly felt like it was very click in there, if that’s what you call it when there are groups that stick together that don’t really welcome others into their group. I did everything I could to try to fit in, helped everywhere I could, brought stuff on Sunday mornings, not just out of obligation, but because I truly like to serve and I like people to be able to enjoy themselves. However, after time, it started to feel more like an obligation. This is probably due to the fact that I wasn’t really getting fed, more than likely due to my own stubbornness and that I wasn’t as open to learning and I didn’t have as good of an understanding of things as I do now, however I’m not saying that I have much understanding now, just more than I did then.

I then slowly stopped attending Sunday’s there about two years ago and started going to a non-denominational church, where I currently attend. I enjoy it and I have a good many friends that attend there. I still keep in contact and enjoy the Bible studies that the Baptist church I attended previously held on Tuesday nights, as I really find them to be helpful and I love the people and I am getting fed and learn something that grows me every time I attend, however since the service on Sunday’s wasn’t benefiting me spiritually, I was getting exhausted and wasn’t really being fed as I should, again, likely due to my own stubbornness, that I felt that I had to do something else before the pressures of this life got me down too far.

I started going to my current church that I attend on Sunday’s and different activities and groups with, and I’ll say this, it’s different than what I experienced at other churches. People overall seem to be pretty open, sure, everyone has their own subset of people that they associate with more than others, however overall, I’m getting more from it on Sunday’s than I was previously. I don’t expect to get a ton of changes from attending one service. I go trying to believe that I’ll learn something different.

It seems that I really enjoy smaller groups and communities and studies better than I do large ones, as you can be more personal and in depth with others and really go into specifics and learn more about each other and in that, learn more about Christ through those discussions, whereas if you’re in a large group, not everyone will have the opportunity to speak when it comes to small groups. Sure, not everyone is going to speak, but I really get more from a community setting than I do the traditional ‘preaching’ aspect of church it seems like.

Perhaps this is because I get more food for thought from them or perhaps it’s because I can better relate and then later look up and reference and read the Bible later and get more from it as I actually go back afterwards and am motivated to look up additional resources and Biblical references, I’m not sure.

I just know that since I’d say last October I’ve been wanting to delve deeper. Sure, I feel like I’m going nowhere progress wise and that Satan tries to pit his demons on me still, throwing thoughts such as, ‘If only you really believed that’ or ‘God doesn’t care’ or ‘God doesn’t exist’ in my head, however I’m getting better at blocking those thoughts out of my head.

I’m still sinful and there’s a few specific sins I focus with more than others, but I fully understand that every human being on the Earth is sinful, myself more than most and that I’ll sin far too many times a day than I’d like, no matter how hard I try not to. That’s when trying to fully understand the possibility and ultimately reality of God’s grace, however I know that I will never fully comprehend it in this life and I don’t think any one of us will, as it’s beyond what our human minds can fathom.

This whole blog post that is now getting pretty long was inspired by a simple conversation about church as a whole and the role of pastors. Once I get into a subject, my mind delves pretty deeply into it.

I’m generally not good at speaking my thoughts verbally, unless it’s to someone that I trust pretty well, I am utterly horrible at group speaking in groups, occasionally I can speak in smaller groups of under a half dozen or so, however it’s that fear of judgement and Satan that kicks in again, telling lies which distract me too much to actually say anything that I’m thinking.

I suppose I’m using this blog as an outlet of sorts. I don’t know how well I really went into anything in this post, and I don’t know how complete or incomplete it is. I know I more than likely skipped things I wanted to say, however I’m not feeling very well, I think it was the lasagna I ate for lunch that was so good burning my throat coming back up, burning my throat for retaliation, so I think I had better lay down and get some sleep.

I know there are so many details that I missed in this post about different experiences and different things I’ve done related to church events and whatnot, however if I was to go into everything in detail this would be a small book.

I’ll end this post with a Youtube video of that song I mentioned earlier, ‘Going Through the Motions’ by Matthew West.


10/20/13 10:00 am

I’m sick and tired of some issues I had for a long time, I say had as I’m giving them up and am going to take some proactive measures to prevent them from popping up again as they tend to do. Being vague intentionally.

I’m not going to let another birthday go by with them. All they cause is grief and I pray that God will give me the strength to accomplish this.

Waiting at the bus stop, another bus went by without enough room for me, so I am waiting another thirty minutes for another. I wish the weather would stop being so bipolar.


Late night posting

It is 12:40AM. I find myself lying in bed thinking, as I think clearest when I’m exhausted or when it is late at night.

Tonight, most of my thoughts have been pretty depressing, mostly about how it feels most of the time that I have accomplished very little in life.

I can’t say I’ve done near as many things as most people I know have done. I didn’t go to college and get a higher education. I’m single and I don’t see that changing any time soon.

Sure, there are things I’d like to do, but they aren’t realistic considering my health issues that limit how many days I can be away to just a couple. Most of them involve volunteering and travel. I hate being stuck in one place, feeling like I’m living the same days over and over again with just slight variations.

I need change, drastic change, but I’m not sure of what that is or what it’d look like. Also, like most people, I’m afraid of changes.

I fail to see the point behind this post, but I’m going to go ahead and post it as I’ve told myself several times that I can’t go back on posts or edit them. I’m posting this from my phone as usual.

I have a doctors appointment at 8:45am, so I better try and get some rest.


Apple is the devil

11/16/2013 10:00pm

Whenever I meet someone that seems to think that Apple is the best thing since sliced bread, I tend to tell them about my theory about how Apple is an evil corporation, even though in reality, it’s no more evil than the rest of the electronics companies out there. I feel sorry for the workers in other countries that get paid pennies to assemble the products we use every day.

The story that I generally give people is based on Apple’s logo. It has a bite taken out of it. That represents the fruit in the Garden of Eden where Satan convinced Eve that the fruit was good to eat, therefore came the downfall of mankind into sin and corruptness.

So, pretty much Apple was there in the beginning conniving with Satan since the beginning and their product these days is the culmination of millennia of conniving and scheming, waiting for the day when technology would advance enough to bring their diabolical product into mass market, which they have succeeded in doing.

But no, I’m not insane. I know that this is completely and entirely false and that Apple has said it was to distinguish the logo from a cherry.

Honestly though, I just prefer Android and PC due to the fact they’re much more expandable and not as limited as Apple. You can easily replace the battery in PC or most Android smartphones, while you have to contact Apple and risk them denying you a battery replacement and it costing hundreds to fix the issue, while if your battery dies on an android, you can likely buy three of the batteries on Ebay and a charger for under ten bucks.

I carry around multiple batteries for I don’t have to worry about my phone dying. You can’t do that with an Apple product. If you don’t have an electrical outlet and a charger with you, you’re out of luck.

I guess I’ll get off of my soapbox about apple and talk about my day. i went to give my mother some clothes and took her out to eat for breakfast. The restaurant was decent, however the service wasn’t too well. I never received my bacon that I ordered and they never refilled the drinks. I understand that they were busy and probably understaffed as the decent sized eatery was packed, however it was still frustrated. They did take it off of the bill, which was good.

I ordered chocolate chip pancakes, which are pretty good when the chocolate is all melty. They were just as good quality as Ihop or other similar restaurants.

Tried to fix her bicycle for her, however the chain was rusted to no end, therefore it was impossible to fix. I might end up buying her a cheap one before too long as I hate how she has to walk to work in the morning every morning.

So, to talk about myself, I’ve been making it. It’s a day to day process that takes effort. today I haven’t been feeling too bad, just a bit depressed, however that is something that I have to struggle with continually. I’m trying to be more social and talk more freely to people, which is slowly happening. It’s not something that is going to improve instantly.

I am going to try to get up in the morning and go to church, however I have also had a lack of motivation recently, so I don’t know if I’ll feel up to it or not. I know I should go regardless, as I should always try to expect something positive to happen, even if I don’t believe it will.

My 26th birthday is next Friday – I’ll probably sit at home and not do much for it. I don’t really do much for my birthdays. Time seems to move pretty slow when you’re living between days, however after they’ve passed, the years seem like seconds. I don’t know how much time I have left in this world, and I need to find some way to make sure that I don’t waste whatever time I have left.

Before, we’d generally have a little cake with my grandmother and whatever immediate family that lived around here would visit, however since my grandmother passed away last year, I doubt we’ll be doing much of anything for any holidays. My father is always depressed about them, and I’m surprised he agreed to go to Columbia for Thanksgiving.

At any rate, I don’t have too much that I know to go into tonight. If anyone reads this (I don’t know if anyone does) and wants me to post about a specific topic, leave a comment or something. Otherwise, I’ll just keep on posting random posts now and then.


Just another post

It is 4am in the morning and I felt like writing something on here, I’m not sure what. I’m up at this hour.because as it tends to do, my stomach woke me up hurting rather severely.

All I can do when this happens is try to get it in my head that God is supreme and that this world is temporary.

I have been quite busy with doctors appointments this week. Not a whole lot was discovered, just that I am allergic to foods I suspected and that others are more than likely cross contamination issues with pollens and food sensitivities that while are unpleasant, won’t kill me.

I’m going to try to escape this pain by going back to sleep. I don’t know how well that’ll work, it usually doesn’t, but you never know.

I’ll try to post something more substantial tonight.


Camp and stuff

Say, Nov 9, 2013 8:19pm

This weekend I’ve been at a teen camp to help out and be a counselor. It’s been a tiring but pretty good weekend so far.

The main subjects that are being taught on are grace, knowing if you’ve really accepted Christ as your savior (instead of simply playing the part) and tonight, biblical marriage. There has also been discussion on keeping away from temptation as it’ll only lead to actions and negative choices which will ultimately end in death.

I’m not going to hit everything tonight, but I’ll go on about what pops to the top of my head, coherent or not.

I know one of my largest issues when it comes to Christ is accepting grace. I’ve never been someone that likes to accept handouts or charity. God’s grace and Jesus’s sacrifice is the ultimate act of love and charity.

My issue is accepting what he offers and knowing that it is real. I live with the guilt and inward shame of every sun for a long, long time when if I truly understood God’s grace (which we never fully will) I would know that I’m forgiven and not be stuck dwelling on the mistakes of yesterday.

I hope I don’t, but it might be an issue that I struggle with for the rest of my days. I know I’m broken and that I sin on a daily basis and that I will sin every day for the rest of my life, as we as humans are sinful by nature.

I know that this camp is primarily for the teens that are attending it, but it is making me think as well. I wish that I had more events like this when I was a teenager, not just events where there’s worship, but the word is spoken, even the harder to comprehend sections without ashamedness or trying to avoid them.

I’m not going to write a list of my sins on this blog, but if I had a camp with people I knew cared and spoke the truth with as much honesty as is being done here, my life would be different. If I had been serious about learning and trusting Christ at 12 years old, which is the youngest any of the campers here are, I cannot imagine where I’d be today.

I want their lives to be better than mine has. I don’t want them to make the same stupid repetitive mistakes I have. I really hope that they leave with something tangible from this camp.

I’ll be praying for them and if anyone who is a Christ follower is reading this, I hope you will too. I don’t want any of them to go down the wrong road in life, although some undoubtedly will. I hope that this weekend will be eye opening for them.

We desperately need a new generation of Christians, especially with the media and law twisting and contorting peoples views on what is and isn’t right, such as legalizing gay marriage which will ultimately steer many in the wrong direction.

It’s obvious that the government isn’t going to do anything to help, just try to make more minority groups happy and complacent by going against the very book that the country’s constitution was based on, the Bible.

I am writing this from a bunk in a cabin at the camp. I am hurting too bad to stand up or walk much more today. If you want to pray for me personally, pray that I’ll have a clearer view and understanding of Christ and the grace that he freely offers to those who are willing to accept it. I also pray that I’ll be honest and open on this blog and somehow use it as more than a way to just post my thoughts occasionally, but as a way to honor God, as I really struggle with finding ways to these days. I could go on and on, but I’m going to stop now.