I don’t know

6/1/2014 12:20am

I sit here in bed, with my stomach griping from my medicine that May or may not work, listening to my fan which helps my tinnitus, a dog yapping incessantly outside and the sound of cars rumbling by outside. I’m hoping my medicine will work, but if can never know. I wish I didn’t have to take it.

I went today to see my mother and brother in city next door. I’m not sure if that was a good idea or mot, as I felt miserable by the time I got homer, even before it.

They are doing okay, but I wish there was something I could do for them. I wish that I was well to do and at least buy them a new trailer, but of course that is not the case.

To be honest, I am mostly writing this to get my head in gear. I tried to read Forever odd, the second book in the Odd Thomas series by Dean Koontz, but I couldn’t get my head in the game.

Just be praying that I’ll get feeling better as I’m sick and tired of not being able to live much of a life due to all of these health issues that I struggle with all of the time, plus my spiritual struggles that are ever present.

The mutt a few houses over started barking incessantly again. I guess that’s my cue to get some rest if I can. Take care.

Just Stephen

Yawn, it’s 2am

Well, it’s two in the morning and I find myself here lying in the bed thinking about the past, as I do far too often. There’s nothing I can change about it, however my head doesn’t want to stay in the the present. Are there’re to things that I would’ve changed if I could? Yes. Who knows what the consequences of any changes would have been, though.

Yesterday went fairly well, overall. I didn’t do a whole lot. Rearranged a few doctors appoints such as the stress test that I will be getting tomorrow and the ct that I will be getting on Friday. I hope that. They will find something as I am tird of feeling the way that I do all of the het irvine. I don’t let many people onto the way I feel we I don’t want to sound like someone who wants to be the center of attention, as I don’t. I just want to be healthier for I can live a more normal life.

I just need to figure things out. The way that my mother has to live right now has me depressed. She deserves better than he hat she has now and there’s not much that I can do to help her out. I need to figure out what I can do with my life as my health doesn’t show any signs if getting better. I hope that the tests show something, but I’m not optimistic at all.

I have a new small group Bible study that I hope to attend tomorrow night. It’s odd that I was invited the night after my other small group study ended for the summer. It’s even on same night of the week as the other. I might have posted about this already, I honestly don’t remember and I’m not going over my posts to see what I have or haven’t posted as I’m trying not to worry about what I post in this blog.

There are so many other things besides this going on In my head that I feel like my head is going to explode. Perhaps if I feel like going on those two trips next month it will help me be able to clear my mind a little bit. I’ve already made sure that I can get a day or two off to sit around and do nothing for each of them do out my stomach. I know one of them isn’t doing anything at all strenuous and I can rest whenever needed. I’m going to make sure heather the other one doesn’t require anything very physical either, we I’m not up to it these days.

I a m going to try to get some sleep, but with my luck it’ll probably be five before I can get to sleep. Who knows. Regardless, take care everyone.

Just Stephen

Sunday…

Sunday 2.24.14 2:34pm

Today I was told about a gaming place downtown where I might try to go sometime. I am not the best with socializing with people I don’t know, but perhaps it could be some sort of outlet said they are there just to play board games and socialize, mostly. I might give it a try sometime to see how it goes. You never know until you give it a try.

It has been a very long day, I overdid it as I tend to do, even when I don’t try to overdo it. Went to church then helped with the coffee team for two services. I hope that I did everything correctly cleaning up, but I don’t know.

Then I took a high kid out to eat to lunch and came home.

I’m simply exhausted. Sim definitely not looking forward to the medical tests coming up this week. Especially having to drink that barium for the ct scans, but I’m hoping they will show something as I’m so sick and tired of being nary all the time, with severe stomach pains, having to schedule my life by my stomach and not bring able to do near as much as I want with my life due to that, my back problems and cardio issues.

We’ll see. I just need to trust Christ and realize that there is a master plan even if I don’t know it.

I’m going to try to get some sleep as I don’t think I can stay up any longer,

Stephen

Today… Well, yesterday

May 23 2014 1:06am

Well, yesterday was very painful to start out for the first half of the day or so because of my medicine, it was so much worse than usual, which is saying a lot for me as I am mostly used to the pain that accompanies my stomach issues.

It seems that it got a bit better not long before I was going to get ready to try to go to church to help with the ministry that at I try to help with on Thursdays when I feel able, so that was some sort of I sign that I was supposed to be there, I suppose. It went pretty well, overall nothing over extraordinary. I then went to a college bible study class afterwards and enjoyed hearing the different seniors tell what they have learned over the past four years in college. I took a few notes and I’ll go over them another day.

What is also odd is that I was invited to participate in another small group study on Wednesday dafter noons, a day after the current small group study that I have been going to at the same time ended. I am going to. Try it out, who knows how it’ll go, but I’m going to give it a try and see. It’s a small group of on our of iLife, which ends good for me we function a good bit better in small groups than I do in large groups, tat lee east when it comes to communciating.

Tomorrow, we’ll, today, I’m not sure what I am going to do, it really depends on how I feel in the morning. If I feel as I do this moment, I probably won’t do a whole lot tomorrow. Considering it is Memorial Day weekend, everything is bound to be crowded.

I’m not going to make all of my posts about a particular topic, just whatever is on my mind at any given time. I don’t expect that many people I’ll be reading this regardless.

I hope that everyone has a good night,

Just Stephen

Pain

Thursday, 6am

I am lying in bed hurting severely, pretty much agonizing pain. It feels like someone is plunging a knife into my lower stomach and is twisting it over and over again. I am used to the pain, otherwise I’d probably be screaming. It’s bad enough that I am very nauseated from it.

If my stomach would work, I’d probably feel a lot better, but I have no control over what it does. This could last hours until the afternoon or my medicine could miraculously work sooner and then I wouldn’t be hurting as much.

Oddly, when I am hurting like this is one of the times when I feel closest to God. I never blame him for my pain, as I know that it is not from him.

Very few people know truly how much I hurt as I don’t like to complain. I am just getting very, very tired of it though. I wish my stomach could work regularly then perhaps I could lead a more normal life. This is probably just a pipe dream though, as after all of these years I don’t see it happening.

I know this is a pretty depressing post, however for some reason I thought I’d post something, maybe as a way to get my mind off of the pain.

Needless to say, prayer is appreciated.

Just Stephen

Here I am again

5 20 2014 12:15am

I am sitting here in bed like I do quite often, just thinking.

Today was rather productive, if I do say so myself. I went to both the cardiologists and gastrologists offices. The cardiologist did an EKG and echocardiogram. The EKG was normal, which I expected as they really don’t show that much regardless. I will know the results of the echocardiogram hopefully later this week. They are also going to do a stress test next Wednesday and have me wear a monitor for 21 days. I’m hoping that they will figure something out as I’m tired of hurting and getting out of breath and dizzy so often.

The gastrologists appointment went better than I was expected. He’s going to order a CT scan I believe of my small intestine and if that isn’t fruitful he’ll do a blood circulation test of the intestine, however that works. I think that when I told the receptionist that if he doesn’t do anything this time that there’s really no need for me to come back that she may of informed him of this statement.

I hope that they find something as I am also sick and tired of my stomach hurting all of the time, not being able to do much due to my stomach not working and having to take brutal medicines that give me three or four bad days and being constantly hungry every second of the day and simply not being able to eat. Even after I do eat and while I am eating I am still hungry. I don’t remember what it’s like hardly not to feel hungry. I contribute this to my stomach and body not digesting anything properly.

Spiritually, I’m in a bad place tonight, but I’m not going to go into it as I simply do not feel like it. I am going to to go ahead and get some sleep so that perhaps I will feel like going and doing something tomorrow, even if it is resting most of the day and then going to church tomorrow afternoon.

I hope that everyone has a fantastic night,

Just Stephen

Thoughts

5/18/2014 9:40PM

I couldn’t really think of a more creative name for this post title than, ‘Thoughts’ as I’m rather scatterbrained tonight. I went out to eat dinner with a friend, where we talked about Christ and different ideologies and interpretations of different scriptures and verses in the Bible and their meanings.

I’ll be honest, I’m not used to talking about too much when it comes to the Bible. Sure, I know what it says, but deep down, like most people I believe, somewhere deep down I want to be able to interpret everything in the Bible the way that my head sees it, and modify it to fit my needs, which is exactly what Satan wants us to do, I’m sure.

This somehow brings my mind to an article I read previously about all of the statements that many Christians say that are very misquoted, as the full context is not properly understood. Here’s a link:

http://truthbygrace.org/top-5-most-misquoted-misused-and-misunderstood-bible-verses/

Regardless, I believe that tonight was good for me simply due to the fact it has my mind thinking in the right direction. Just being able to have a rael conversation with someone about Christ and the Bible starts synapses in my brain that aren’t often triggered by simply listening to a sermon.

It reminds me of how in Proverbs 27 it speaks of iron sharpening iron and sharpening other believers. I need to work on this. i definitely get more from small groups where you actually have the ability to talk than large sermons where someone is talking to hundreds of people and you simply listen, as you can receive feedback on your thoughts immediately rather than having to process whatever the pastor or speaker is saying and then apply it to your life yourself. The fact that I’m an utterly horrible note taker really doesn’t help that reality very much.

I am going to attempt to keep posting on here every few days, as I completely abandoned this blog for many months. I hadn’t even thought about it for a while until I got the domain name expiration reminder from my registrar, which really shows that it wasn’t being used.

I think that I am going to lie down or perhaps watch something online, or perhaps simply think for a while. This post is going to end up much shorter than I thought it was going to be, with a word count of only 400 or so, which is very short considering some of the small novels I have written before in emails and posts on various blogs and in random wordpad documents that I’m no longer able to find due to my lack of organizational skills when it comes to keeping hard drives and folders organized.

Now it’s 455.

Have a great night,

Just Stephen

A random post about Apple

5/18/2014. 9:30pm.

I’ll probably write two posts tonight, the first is about Apple. I’ll keep this short as technology talk is boring to some. (Not that anyone reads this!)

I recently came upon an Apple Ipad 3 that my brother no longer used. My old impressions of the Apple brand still stand firm for the most part, as the software is very proprietary, not very customizable and isn’t flexible when it comes to making any significant changes to the operating system itself.

As for what I do like about the Ipad 3 that I acquired.

I’ll list a few simple pros and cons.

Pros:

Great quality screen

Decent audio

Quick processor, limited lag

Smooth graphic movement

The touchscreen is very responsive.

 

Cons:

Only 16gb.

You can not add additional memory.

The button placement is very awkward.

The keyboard isn’t customizable and can make typing very slow and cumbersome.

It’s heavier than I’d like.

You can transfer files from your Ipad to your PC, but it’s a one way connection. You can’t easily transfer files from your computer to your Ipad.

No removable battery. This plagues all Apple devices though, not just Ipads.

 

Regardless, I see how it would appeal to those who want a product that is concrete in it’s foundation, that is near foolproof that would be almost impossible to destroy by misconfiguring settings and that allows you to reset the device to factory settings in a couple buttons if you decide to. However, for those seeking something more, something that you can bend to your needs and that you can have more control over yourself, I wouldn’t recommend an Apple product, as I don’t see their current structure changing any time soon, as they’ve been able to make huge profits with their current idealogy that they can figure out internally what they believe consumers want, create one product that they believe fits the demand, without worrying about those ‘few’ Android fans like myself that need something a little more customizable to adjust to our unique needs when it comes to a mobile or portable device.

I, personally, will stick to Android devices in the future. (Minus this Ipad that I’ve acquired)

An update

5/17/2014 – 1AM

I am here lying on my bed thinking about life, because I am in severe pain from my stomach and my chest is feeling weird. I debate in my head if my olive is worth anything, if I died tomorrow would I have accomplished anything in life…

But then, somewhere in the back of my head I hear a voice of reason that tells me that Christ has forgiven the many sins I commit on a daily basis and how his son was enough, however there is a voice that tries to be convincing and generally succeeds that tells me the opposite and causes me to doubt greatly and leads me into a pit of despair.

Right now, it feels that the latter is winning and my mind is in shambles. I really need to get it straightened out, as I despise feeling like this.

I am going to attempt to get some sleep for church in the morning so I hope everyone has a great night. Pray for me if you will, it’s most definitely appreciated.

just stephen